Funnies . (Dependent on whether you and I share a sense of what constitutes a funny. A subjective title, but the one I’m going for.)

Saw a picture of a cigar with the face of a male human. He had a simple message – “hello”, he said. The best part of it all was, he was an advertisement for a sandwich shop. A cigar pretending to be a man has nothing to do with a sandwich.

I also encountered a homeless man. He was walking around extending a pertinently empty hat to moneyed tourists. He had a catchphrase, in the way some creative beggars do. “how hungry are you?” he would ask each family in turn. A bizarre question really. Not very. We’ve all just enjoyed a continental breakfast, including limitless supplies of orange juice and mug after mug of hot beverage, (and for most of us, an additional cooked egg option.) We’re all quite satisfied as far as food is concerned, and if we’re feeling slightly peckish, what we can do is sort ourselves out with a tasty snack, at any point over the following few hours, if waiting for lunch proves to be too tricky. Oh and lunch is guaranteed by the way. There is not a chance in hell that any of us here will be skipping lunch. So just to clarify, we’re not particularly hungry, and we are in a position to be able remedy any hunger pangs that may arise, quickly and quietly, using money that we have. You, on the other hand, you must be very hungry. You mightn’t have had breakfasts and there’s a good chance you won’t be having lunch. Snacks aren’t looking likely either. And even though you’re asking the question, you surely must be aware that we are not really very hungry, otherwise you wouldn’t ask us for spare change – there’d be no point in that; a blind man doesn’t ask his blind pal to guide him over the dual carriageway. Because if we had spare change, and we were hungry, we’d buy food with that spare change. Much like you in your state of hunger would, if only you could get your hands on those dollars. So overall, it does seem the wrong question to be asking. More relevant to your case might be “how hungry do you think I am compared to you?”. That might be quite thought provoking. Or even just skip the rhetoric, and go for the more hard-hitting statement :”I am hungry.” Take these steps to improve your relations with the public, and perhaps your hat would jingle a bit more.

I sat on the toilet and had shameless and unmistakeable diarrhoea, as the lady next door did a quiet, civilised wee. She tinkled like a skilfully manipulated xylophone whilst i let rip, an uncontrollable hippopotamus. Neither of us attempted a cough to hide the regrettable circumstances that were unfolding, not that it would have made much difference . She was enjoying the superiority her delicate performance gave her, and frankly, i was enjoying the heinousness of my crime. We emerged from our respective stink cabins (me more than her to tobefair) at exactly the same moment, obviously. It was never going to be any other way. She looked very upset and harrowed. I felt oddly at peace.

I saw a family whose 5 members all looked like an identical arsehole . I should clarify – a literal arsehole. It was quite a sight. They were from Croydon.

I’d better wrap this piece up. Mum’s trying to explain to us about the beatniks. She keeps using words like “generation” and “pivotal”. No one is interested. Sammy’s pretending to be, Dad is pissing about with his blackberry camera, no doubt taking slightly blurred and brilliantly uninspired piccies of ‘the family scene’ – his favourite and only type of piccie. Everyone’s shouting at him now, because he’s been caught. He looks both guilty and innocent at the same time. I feel very sorry for the man. He’s just an amateur photographer, forever seeking “the right light”.

Bye now.

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